You Just Never Know Which Moment Will Change Your Life

Thirty-one years ago this month, I told Gordon that I loved him. I never meant to say it aloud. I had loved him secretly for five years and did not believe for one minute that he loved me too. I feared if I told him that I loved him, he would reject me flat out, and I didn't think I could handle that. No, better to be silent and take my secret love to my grave (one can be so dramatic when young).

However, my friend, Debbie, thought otherwise. She believed that I should tell Gordon and find out, once and for all, what his feelings were for me. Debbie never thought Gordon cared for me because, if he had, wouldn't he have said something during the previous five years? Debbie reasoned that after professing my love to Gordon and being rejected, I would then be able to go forward in my life without any foolish fantasy. She said I could weep and then let go of the idea of Gordon and find someone to love who would love me back. Debbie was very matter-of-fact about it and helped me plan the moment to tell Gordon.

Well, the moment started out well. I steeled my nerves and went up to Gordon.  I blurted out that I loved him. He smiled and said he felt the same way. Confused, I replied that I loved him like a man not just a friend, and he said he knew just what I meant and that he loved me too. He then made it quite clear with a kiss that made all the movie kisses seem pale by comparison.

Wow, not what I had expected at all! I had planned for every sort of rejection, but that Gordon loved me too never crossed my mind. Well, as I said, that was thirty-one years ago. Sadly, Gordon no longer celebrates the moment with me. His dementia has robbed us of that pleasure. Instead, our grown children and I celebrate the moment together each year because that moment not only changed my life forever, but it also was the catalyst for my four loves, my four blessings, my four children being born. That crazy, foolish, risky moment changed the world forever. I cannot imagine the world without these four lovely individuals in it, and each of them is extremely glad that their mom found the courage to risk being rejected that moment so long ago.

You just never know which moment will change your life forever.

Take care, 

Kate

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Why Reading Mysteries Is So Much Fun

Today, I opened my newspaper to discover that P. D. James has written a new mystery. What a thrill, and just in time to be a Christmas present.

When I was a child, my fun reading ran the gamut from science fiction to mysteries to adventure stories, with my overall favorite being fantasy. Why? Because from birth, it seems, I have wanted to make the world a better place, and in fantasy books I was vicariously able to do that. I battled and defeated evil in the forms of villainous foes and monsters of all types. At the end of each fantasy novel or series, all was right with the world, good had defeated evil, and peace and love reigned over the land. This was the perfect genre for a child growing up in the cold war era, where the "evil" communists threatened on a daily basis.

But, as I grew older and learned the world is full of ambiguity, and sadly realized that I could not make the world a better place by myself, at least not in the big picture, I began to consume mystery novels. One day, a friend asked me why I was reading mysteries instead of new fantasy novels (Confession: I still re-read my childhood favorites about Narnia and Prydain as well as A Wrinkle in Time). I thought a moment, fascinated by the question, and then replied, "In mysteries, you vicariously solve a problem and make the world better in the small picture. That is something that seems possible in the real world too." It was a revelation, an 'Oh, I understand" moment as the lightbulb in my brain lit up. Mysteries do not solve BIG problems, they solve small, handleable problems. Mysteries empower me; they make me think I can solve the problem too, as I follow the clues along with the protagonist.

These feelings of accomplishment and power that come from reading mysteries help me feel better able to tackle my own everyday challenges. I don't feel so overwhelmed. I know that if I can just figure out this one bit here, then I can figure out that one bit there. I may not be able to make the whole world a better place, but mysteries help me believe that I can make my own little corner of the world better. So, bring on the new P. D. James mystery for Christmas!

Take care,

Kate

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