Ah, love! It makes the world go round, or so the song says, and most of us will go to great lengths to experience the feeling in its myriad forms. We love our pets, our friends, our children, our families, and most us want to find one special person to love. We want to be connected, to find our soul mate, to feel completed and whole, and we believe if we find the "right" one that our world will be perfect, a heaven on earth.
Most of us have experienced times when we know with our heads that we love our families, friends, and spouse, but we don't feel it with our hearts because we may not like them very much at a particular moment. We feel anger or hurt or sometimes even hatred, but we still act in a loving manner towards the individual because we know that's the right way to behave. This is because most of us know, without using the terms, that love is both a noun and a verb, a feeling and an action. We learn over time that if we act lovingly, the feeling of love usually returns to give us that warm glow in our lives.
But what should we do when love unwantedly disappears in our beloved child, friend, or spouse? Well, when the individual is mentally healthy, we will usually try to change the dynamics of the relationship, if that is possible, or we will end the relationship. However, if the individual is mentally ill, and we are responsible for that person, we have to find a way to live with no shared loving feelings, while still acting in a loving manner. Not an easy thing to do.
Why love disappears in a few people with dementia or mental illness is a mystery--an atrophying of part of the brain perhaps or a chemical imbalance, but it is devastating to the loved ones left wondering where love went. It is a cruel, ironic, twisted stab to the heart. A person who once loved us with all his or her heart is no longer capable of feeling anything for us. Feeling, as we understand it, is gone. No empathy, no insight, no connection at all.
Yet, this person was once a beloved child, spouse, parent, sibling, or friend, and this person needs us to care for him; so what is a caregiver to do as his or her own feelings of love begin to wane in the emotional ruins created by dementia or mental illness?
My wise youngest son, who is my co-caregiver for his father, my husband, says we must choose to act in a loving, respectful way because that is who each of us wants to be as an individual. For example, we could choose to give my husband dinner by himself--that would certainly be more pleasant for us, and he wouldn't care one way or the other--but, instead, we choose to fix a full meal each night and dine with him as a family, honoring what we once had.
Being loving to someone in a void, in a vacuum, in an abyss is at times incredibly painful and lonely, sometimes even a nightmare. It goes against all that we think of as love. Songs do not sing about this kind of love. There is no acknowledging glance across a crowded room. It is all one sided. You give, but you don't get. No Hallmark card endings. All you have with this kind of love is your choice, and whatever choice you make about how you love when you love among the ruins, tells you everything about yourself. This is not the love we think of when we bask in the warm glow of our loving relationships, but it is sometimes a love we must experience.
Take care,
Kate
If you wish to make a comment and do not have one of the accounts listed under "Comment As," please click Anonymous and sign your name on your post. Thank you.
What a beautiful post. I am inspired by your families love and courage to continue with love dealing with the progression of this insidious FTD. May Strength and wisdom wrap you daily.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.caringbridge.org/visit/johnjaycox/guestbook
Kate: You've had a long road with your husband's dementia and the man you've loved is now a stranger. It's drilled into our minds that love is "unconditional." Whoever circulated that never experienced a loved one with dementia.
ReplyDeleteBut, as I found with my dad's Alzheimers, you learn to love the stranger who deserves as much love and dignity as any other human being. There are frustrations and setbacks, abuse and moments where you can't take it another moment and you literally run from the house. But, in the end, your compassion comes shining through because that's how you are and they have nobody else.
Remember Diane Keaton's character Bessie in "Marvin's Room"? There's a wonderful scene where she realizes out loud "I have so much love!" Her sister, played by Meryl Streep, pacifies her with a yeah, yeah, everyone loves you. "No," says Bessie, "I have so much love here inside" to have taken such good care and sacrificed so much for the senile "Ruth" and her bedridden father who had a stroke 17 years before. Hard to believe that DiCaprio played the young son in a mental hospital and that De Niro, Cynthia Nixon and Kelly Ripa were in that moving 1996 film.
"Marvin's Room" haunted every moment of my caregiving experience, especially when Bessie would entertain her father with a small penlight shinging on the wall. Sometimes that all there is to quality of life.
Cheers, Kerry Swanson
Sources said that the 26th round of cheap nike jordan shoes negotiations will Cheap LV Handbags be held the ugg boots second Bags Louis Vuitton round Discount LV Handbags of talks, but the Belarusian Foreign Ministry wholesale jordan shoes spokesman said, you may want to 26 am ugg australia that christian louboutin shoes day to determine whether to proceed with negotiations.September 5, Ukraine christian louboutin remise 50% Tripartite Liaison Group with representatives of the Ukrainian armed eastern folk, including the signing of the Protocol, including a ceasefire agreement in Christian Louboutin Daffodile Minsk. September 19, the Contact Group christian louboutin signed a memorandum with the eastern Ukrainian folk armed representatives, provides for the ugg pas cher establishment of discount christian louboutin 30 km wide buffer. Due to the conflict lack of mutual trust, Air Jordan 11 Gamma Blue the ceasefire discount nike jordans agreement and memorandum were Discount Louis Vuitton not effectively implemented.According to the Office of the High Cheap Louis Vuitton Handbags Commissioner ugg soldes for Human Rights Christian Louboutin Bois Dore on December 15 released a report, since mid-April this year, the armed uggs outlet conflict in eastern Ukraine, killing at least cheap christian louboutin 4707 people were cheap jordans killed uggs on sale and 10,000 ugg wounded.
ReplyDelete20151012 junda
ReplyDeleteair max 95,nike golf,nike janoski,air max 1,nike canada,nike plus,nike shox,nike factory store
michael kors outlet
coach outlet online
ugg boots australia
coach factory outlet
Oakley Vault Outlet Store Online
Tom Shoes Outlet With Free Shipping
Michael Kors Outlet Real Handbags Online
nfl jerseys
Michael Kors Outlet Online No Tax
celine
Louis Vuitton Bags Outlet Store
Michael Kors Handbags Outlet Deals
michael kors outlet sale
michael kors outlet
michael kors handbag
Michael Kors Outlet Deals Online
cheap uggs
ugg boots clearance
michael kors outlet
coach outlet
Michael Kors Outlet Online Mall
cheap ugg boots
michael kors uk
Abercrombie T-Shirts
Buy Kobe Shoes Online Discount
Lebron James Basketball Shoes Sale
Louis Vuitton Clearance Sale
michael kors outlet
canada goose jackets
20151012 junda
ReplyDeleteair max 95,nike golf,nike janoski,air max 1,nike canada,nike plus,nike shox,nike factory store
michael kors outlet
coach outlet online
ugg boots australia
coach factory outlet
Oakley Vault Outlet Store Online
Tom Shoes Outlet With Free Shipping
Michael Kors Outlet Real Handbags Online
nfl jerseys
Michael Kors Outlet Online No Tax
celine
Louis Vuitton Bags Outlet Store
Michael Kors Handbags Outlet Deals
michael kors outlet sale
michael kors outlet
michael kors handbag
Michael Kors Outlet Deals Online
cheap uggs
ugg boots clearance
michael kors outlet
coach outlet
Michael Kors Outlet Online Mall
cheap ugg boots
michael kors uk
Abercrombie T-Shirts
Buy Kobe Shoes Online Discount
Lebron James Basketball Shoes Sale
Louis Vuitton Clearance Sale
michael kors outlet
canada goose jackets
soccer jerseys
ReplyDeletenba jerseys
cheap mlb jerseys
ray-ban sunglasses
michael kors outlet
cheap jordans
tory burch outlet
oakley sunglasses wholesale
louis vuitton neverfull
adidas outlet store
oakley canada
michael kors outlet online
ralph lauren pas cher
michael kors outlet
mont blanc outlet
ferragamo shoes
rolex watches outlet
hermes bags
tiffany and co
coach outlet
michael kors outlet online
cheap mlb jerseys
fitflops sale
cheap nfl jerseys
swarovski outlet
michael kors uk
ralph lauren polo
hollister shirts
kobe shoes
michael kors outlet
mulberry handbags sale
tiffany jewelry
louis vuitton bags
hollister uk
oakley sunglasses
20160528caihuali
20161129meiqing
ReplyDeletecoach factory outlet
uggs outlet
coach outlet
canada goose outlet online
michael kors outlet
canada goose sale
birkenstock sandals
oakley sunglasses
michael kors purses
the north face outlet